The Wonky Donkey Pattern

A Pattern Language for Absurd Accumulation

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Abstract

The Wonky Donkey pattern describes systems that accrete properties one at a time, each property earned through solving a real problem, until the accumulated stack of adjectives becomes simultaneously absurd and correct.

Named for the children's book by Craig Smith (2009), in which a donkey accumulates adjectives across verses until it becomes a "spunky hanky-panky cranky stinky dinky lanky honky-tonky winky wonky donkey."

The pattern applies to software systems, personal trajectories, and shitposts.

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The Original Wonky Donkey

The Wonky Donkey is a 2009 children's book by New Zealander Craig Smith, illustrated by Katz Cowley. It originated from a song Smith wrote in 2005 after hearing the joke:

"What do you call a donkey with three legs? – A wonky donkey"

The book operates as follows:

• Each page introduces one adjective
• Each adjective describes an observable property
• The child must recite all accumulated adjectives
• By the final page, the stack is absurd
• The child is laughing too hard to breathe
• Every adjective was earned

In 2018, a video of Scottish grandmother Janice Clark laughing hysterically while attempting to read the book to her infant grandson went viral, leading to a surge in purchases worldwide. The video captures the essential Wonky Donkey experience: accumulation reaching a point where the reader cannot continue due to laughter.

The humor derives from:

• Accumulation: Each addition is small
• Correctness: Each adjective is accurate
• Absurdity: The total is ridiculous
• Inevitability: You watched it happen
• Infectious: The grandmother's laughter is the proof

Pattern Structure

property₁ → property₁ + property₂ → ... → property₁ + property₂ + ... + propertyₙ

Where:

• Each propertyᵢ solves a real problem
• No propertyᵢ is added speculatively
• The transition → is forced by circumstance
• The final accumulation Σpropertyᵢ is absurd but correct

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Software Application

A system exhibiting the Wonky Donkey pattern:

Stage	Problem	Property Added
1	Need to store data	Data store
2	Need to transform data	Transform engine
3	Need to document transforms	Self-documenting
4	Need to test documentation	Self-testing
5	Need to control access	Scoped permissions
6	Need to navigate knowledge	Spatial navigation
7	Need AI to use it	LLM-accessible
8	Need users to extend it	End-user-programmable

Final description: "A secure, testable, self-documenting, self-auditing, spatially-navigable, LLM-accessible, end-user-programmable knowledge runtime."

No one would design this. It grew. Each adjective was earned. The donkey is wonky.

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Diagnostic Criteria

A system exhibits the Wonky Donkey pattern if:

• No adjective is decorative - Each property solves a problem that actually occurred
• The stack is embarrassing to recite - Explaining the system requires too many words
• Removal is impossible - Each property is load-bearing
• The total is correct - Despite absurdity, it works
• Observers progress through stages:
• "This doesn't make sense"
• "Why is it like this"
• "Oh, it grew this way"
• "Actually this is perfect"
• "I can't imagine it any other way"

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Personal Application

The pattern extends beyond software:

Stage	Problem	Property Added
1	Brain works differently	Neurodivergent
2	See patterns others miss	Hyperlexic
3	Can't explain the patterns	Needs translator
4	Build systems to externalize	System builder
5	Systems become medium	Medium inventor
6	Medium enables explanation	Finally legible
7	Explanation requires memes	Shitpost-dependent
8	Memes require category theory	Formally rigorous

Final description: "A formally rigorous, shitpost-dependent, finally legible, medium-inventing, system-building, translator-needing, hyperlexic, neurodivergent platform engineer."

The donkey is wonky. Every adjective was earned.

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Relationship to Other Patterns

Pattern	Relationship
[[wonderfully-weird]]	The philosophy that permits the accumulation
[[structural-isomorphism-thesis]]	The formal proof that the donkey is a valid program
[[yoneda-lemon]]	The donkey is defined by its adjectives (arrows)
[[my-buttocks-are-a-lie]]	A worked example of accumulation reaching absurdity

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The Children Know

At bedtime, children laugh at the wonky donkey because:

• They watched each adjective arrive
• They remember the accumulation
• The total is ridiculous
• The total is correct
• Both things are true

This is the same experience as watching a platform engineer explain their system.

The children get it faster.

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Conclusion

The Wonky Donkey pattern is not a design methodology. It is a recognition that systems which grow from real problems, adding properties only when forced, often arrive at configurations that are:

• Absurd
• Correct
• Inextricable
• Funny

The appropriate response to such systems is not to redesign them. It is to laugh while reciting the adjectives, then use them anyway, because they work.

∎ 🫏

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References

• Smith, C. (2009). Wonky Donkey. Scholastic.
• The Goose. (2025). "The wonky donkey explains you." Personal communication.
• Every child who has ever laughed themselves breathless at accumulated absurdity.

Slots

North

slots:
- context:
  - The philosophy that permits the pattern
  slug: wonderfully-weird

South

slots:
- context:
  - A worked example of the pattern
  slug: my-buttocks-are-a-lie

East

slots:
- slug: structural-isomorphism-thesis
  context:
  - The formal grounding

West

slots:
- slug: yoneda-lemon
  context:
  - Objects defined by their adjectives

North

South