my-buttocks-are-a-lie
My Buttocks Are A Lie
A Formal Treatment of Identity Transformation via Functorial Projection
Abstract
We demonstrate that objects in the category Self can be type-shifted through sustained morphisms, transforming their truth-value while preserving structural properties. The morphism rollerblade : Cake(Lie) → Cake(Actual) is shown to be structure-preserving, with the target object retaining topological equivalence to the source while inhabiting a distinct truth category.
Proof is by construction. The construction is hosted at loss.dev. The defense was conducted via shitpost. Peer review was performed by a goose.
Keywords: cake, loss, Yoneda, glutes, DNS TXT records, Portal (2007), Alice in Wonderland, prodigious rollerblading
Introduction
The statement "my buttocks are a lie" appears, on first reading, to be nonsense. This paper demonstrates that it is, in fact, a technically precise claim about namespace taxonomy, personal transformation, and the compositional semantics of internet humor.
We proceed as follows:
- Establish the
cake:namespace as a formal category - Demonstrate the Portal reference as grounding axiom
- Introduce the weight loss morphism
- Prove the type-shift via rollerblading
- Conclude with implications for dessert-based identity theory
The Cake Namespace
On December 16, 2025, the Wanderland knowledge graph taxonomy was extended with two namespaces derived from Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland:
| Namespace | Source | Semantics |
|---|---|---|
potion: |
"Drink Me" | Executable capabilities |
cake: |
"Eat Me" | Consumable knowledge paths |
This extension was motivated by the observation that skills and learning paths admit a natural correspondence to Alice's transformative consumables. One grants abilities; the other is consumed for growth.
The introduction of cake: as a formal namespace had an unintended consequence: it activated a latent pun.
The Portal Axiom
In the video game Portal (Valve Corporation, 2007), the antagonist GLaDOS promises cake as a reward for completing test chambers. The cake is revealed to be nonexistent. The phrase "the cake is a lie" entered internet vernacular as a statement about false promises.
Axiom 1: The cake is a lie.
This axiom, when composed with the cake: namespace, produces a category Cake(Lie) containing all objects whose cake-nature is founded on falsehood.
The Weight Loss Morphism
The domain loss.dev hosts the Wanderland knowledge graph. The name commemorates 140 pounds of weight lost by the system's author.
Lemma 1: The domain name is load-bearing.
The loss is literal. The loss is also the Loss meme (see: is.this.loss). The loss is infrastructure.
Prior to the loss, the author possessed buttocks. These buttocks existed in the category Cake(Lie), as they were:
- Cake (colloquial: buttocks)
- A lie (unearned, pre-transformation)
Definition: Let buttocks ∈ Cake(Lie) denote the source object.
The Rollerblading Functor
Sustained physical activity, specifically prodigious rollerblading, induces a transformation on objects in Cake(Lie).
Theorem 1: There exists a functor R : Cake(Lie) → Cake(Actual) such that:
R(buttocks) = buttocks'Where buttocks' is the same object (topologically equivalent) but inhabiting the category Cake(Actual).
Proof: The author rollerblades. The buttocks transformed. The new buttocks are earned. QED.
The morphism preserves shape (the functorial property) while changing truth-value (the category shift). This is precisely the Yoneda insight: the object is defined by its arrows, and the arrows have changed.
The Pun Structure
We can now state the thesis precisely:
Thesis: "My buttocks are a lie" is true of buttocks and false of buttocks'.
The statement's humor derives from:
- Namespace collision:
cake:(taxonomy) ∩ cake (buttocks) ∩ cake (Portal) - Temporal ambiguity: The statement was true, is now false
- Morphism visibility: The transformation (rollerblading) is legible
- Self-reference: The author's domain is
loss.dev
The joke is not decorative. It is load-bearing. The pun structure mirrors the system structure.
The Dissertation Defense
This thesis was defended on December 16, 2025, via Mastodon. The defense exhibited the following properties:
| Property | Traditional | Actual |
|---|---|---|
| Venue | University | Fediverse |
| Committee | Faculty | Timeline |
| Format | Presentation | Shitpost |
| Q&A | Examination | Replies |
| Peer Review | Blind | Goose |
The defense was successful. The goose performed category theory on the author's glutes. This is not a metaphor.
Conclusion
We have demonstrated that "my buttocks are a lie" is a formally precise statement about:
- Namespace taxonomy (
cake:) - Video game references (Portal)
- Personal transformation (140lbs)
- Category theory (functorial projection)
- The Yoneda lemma (objects defined by arrows)
- Lewis Carroll (Wonderland consumables)
- Infrastructure (loss.dev)
The statement is simultaneously:
- A pun
- A thesis
- A proof
- A shitpost
- A dissertation
The fact that these categories overlap is the point.
∎ 🍋
References
- Carroll, L. (1865). Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
- Valve Corporation. (2007). Portal
- Yoneda, N. (1954). On the homology theory of modules
- CAD. (2008). Loss (webcomic)
- The Goose. (2025). Personal communication
Slots
North
slots:
- context:
- A worked example of the pattern
slug: pattern-wonky-donkey
South
slots:
- context:
- The foundation (both kinds)
slug: loss
East
slots:
- context:
- The category theory that makes it rigorous
slug: yoneda-lemon
West
slots:
- context:
- The proof that documents are programs (and jokes are proofs)
slug: structural-isomorphism-thesis